i tried to be less rigid and this is how it's going

and how I plan on buying less in 2025

Sometime around the time that I started to feel like I was in an endless spiral of wasted days and potential, I let go of my daily to do list. On the list were these activities, which I had categorized as must-do so that I would go to bed liking myself, if not loving myself:

morning meditation, morning pages, read for 20 mins, write for 30 mins, walk around the neighborhood, and afternoon meditation.

What started as a great way to start self-actualizing began to feel like another way for my ocd to get control of my life. If I didn’t do any of the mentioned activities I would start to have feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Eventually the must-do, value driven activities that were so necessary for me to start to feel like myself again became tasks that were linked to rigidity and control, two things that felt all too familiar.

I cleared my calendar of the must-do’s to make room for possibility. The logic was that if i wasn’t bound to doing certain activities I would have the freedom to do what I really wanted to do, not just what I thought I should do to be productive and well. I wanted to live in the moment. But when I let go of my list, I found myself with too much space, too much time. There was not enough structure in my day to keep me feeling grounded.

There were no spontaneous hikes to mount tam, or last minute coffee dates with friends. There were no frenetic late night moments of genius, or anything passionate or heart-led. There was no bubbling over of expression and freedom, which is what I expected. Without the list I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing.

Of course, nothing is relative.

I did laundry. I did dishes. I tried to get along with my husband. I organized playdates. I went to soccer games. I went out to eat burgers. I did lots of stuff. I still do lots of stuff.

But at the end of the day, when the real work begins, when it’s time for pickup and practice and dinner and homework, I start to wonder how I let the day go by, again, without doing anything that I really wanted to do. I remember my old list and how it felt rigid but it kept me in line with the way I wanted to show up in the world - as an active participant that goes towards values and not away from them.

I’m starting to accept that when I am left to my own devices I am usually a distracted, procrastinator with a tendency towards self-loathing. I cannot afford to be avoidant of my own goals. I need the positive feedback of a completed checklist and that’s ok. So despite my best efforts, I am going back to the list. What helped me come to this conclusion was a different list I made yesterday, as a last ditch effort to send something out. Maybe you relate.

things I do instead of write

1. feed my daughter’s tamagotchi

2. feed my son’s tamagotchi

3. make all the beds in the house, the three of them

4. clean the kitchen

5. spray and wipe the counters with a tomato scented cleaner

6. put laundry in the washing machine

7. put laundry in the dryer

8. put clean laundry on the couch

9. sit in the sun with my palms to the sky

10. walk around the block and maybe walk again once more

11. make rice noodles

12. vacuum the carpets

13. vacuum the couch

14. contemplate if I really need to do any of these things, especially 1 and 2

15. walk in circles

16. online shop for taper candles, the colorful kind

17. read other people’s writing

18. look at the covers of the books on my nightstand

19. have a snack

20. wonder if i’m allergic to anything i’m eating

21. look at tickets to new york

22. look up my astrocartography for clues to finding happiness

23. add a session with a medium to cart

24. close cart

25. make banana bread

26. make blueberry muffins

27. show up late to literally everywhere

28. text friends to hang out then delete text

29. call my mom on facetime

30. call my dad on facetime

31. call anyone on facetime

32. look in the mirror and debate retinol

33. look in the mirror and debate bangs

34. swear off looking in the mirror

35. sit alone in the quiet

36. narrate my daily activities, ie all of the above

37. check email

oh yeah, we should stop buying things now

If you don’t already know, your (and my) hyper consumption is killing the planet. ¹

We do not need more clothes, more gadgets, more books, more toys, more rubber bands, more tupperware, more decorative bows, more curling ribbon, more saran wrap, more company merch, or more goodie bags filled with plastic crap that ends up in the trash anyway.

We don’t need it. There will be no more room if we continue. I know this. You know this. And despite this knowing we will continue to purchase more and more items because we are so entrenched in capitalism and consumer culture that it feels unnatural to not participate. Unless we just stop it, like the time we stopped smoking cigarettes because we were pregnant, or stopped eating sugar because it was the early 2000’s. It is possible.

This will be hard but I am committing to not buying any books for the whole year.

Writing that out feels like a bold faced lie. It also feels like of all the things I could buy, books would be the least harmful for the environment and for people in general. Authors deserve to be paid for their work! But if my hunch is right, not buying books will be the lead in to not purchasing other things, like literally anything off Amazon. Plus, I’ll be forced to read the books that I already own. Which are a lot. It’s compulsive habit, the book buying.

we're doomed

1. this movie really made me think about what instant gratification is doing to us and our planet