I came here to write about how I feel stuck and incapable of growth or change. I came here to say that I am in a rut and I have no ideas and no inspiration. Also, how hard it is for me to stay on task and maintain interest in things. Part of me thinks I am struggling with a dash of depression but pathologizing my feelings hasn’t always been productive or helpful, so I decided to sit outside in my yard and see what came up.
This is what came up:
I’m soaking up the sun in my courtyard, surrounded by pulled up bay trees. There are hundreds of them sprouting in my garden because two years ago we tried to remove a 50 year old bay tree. It was blocking the sun and you know I need it to live. It was also diseased, if that makes anyone feel better about killing a tree that has been alive longer than many of us. We called an urban arborist to remove our tree because “it is preventing other plants from growing.” They came and said that they could take it out but they wouldn’t be able to kill the entire root system of a tree that old. All they could do was grind the stump down under the soil. We took our chances and now, instead of one bay tree we have many.
It turns out trees talk to each other. They don’t cooperate in the way that some articles or studies in the recent past have suggested, but they are able to use a web of fungi to connect to other trees. In my mind, these trees not only share information about how best to take care of new seedlings, but they also warn each other of impending fire devastation, or bug infestation or disease. One tree who is badly burned, but still alive, sends a message to the tree next to it, and then that tree sends a message to the tree next to it, and so on and so forth, until all the trees in the forest know that a fire is coming and they are able to dig themselves deeper into the ground so that parts of their intelligence will remain even after they are charred beyond recognition. This information is passed down into the web of fungi and the trees in other parts of the forest, the stronger trees, are able to send healing properties and resources to the hurt ones, sustaining them until new growth happens. But I made that all up and in reality, this all for one and one for all mentality doesn’t work in the forest, where trees and plants regularly compete for resources, pushing each other out of the way for a chance to get just a little bit more sun.
To say that my bay tree is determined to live is an astute observation. We cut it down and ground its stump as far as the machine could reach and it’s still finding a way to photosynthesize. It started with a few sprouts that were easy enough to pull up. Then more came and my gentle tugging turned into a hard yank that left my hands empty but streaked with green. I found the clippers and started to cut them down to the soil, knowing deep down that the tree was more determined than I and that eventually, I would lose focus on the baby trees and become outnumbered. There is now a pile of baby bay trees in the middle of the courtyard, and many more still standing in the soil. They are all about 2 or 3 feet tall and if they are left to grow, a few of them will grow into mature bay trees, which I now know are a pain in the ass to get rid of. It would be impossible for them all to survive, because unlike the scenario I painted before, they would not be sharing intel through little mushroom walkie talkies, passing resources back and forth. They would be trying their best to grow taller and stronger and deeper than the rest, making sure to reach the sun first, and soak up the water quickest.
I feel bad about it.
Bloom where you are planted, they say. Grow through the cracks in the sidewalk if you have to, but don’t give up. Keep growing no matter the circumstances and surely, you will succeed. It sounds so nice. This tree is doing all the things we are supposed to do if we want to persevere. It is a great example of how persistence prevails. If I were a different person, perhaps with a bigger yard, I would let the tree win, get out of the way based on its determination alone. But I’m me and I just really want to feel the sun on my face. I gotta get there first.